This is a frequent convo I have with myself and on occasion I include my therapist.
I think (and don’t tell me if I’m wrong) it’s a common conversation.
So today I’m having it again.
Exhibit A: I called my therapist because I needed help making a decision. Now the decision has been made so it’s time to quit.
Exhibit B: My time with my therapist has been a roller coaster that led to places it never should have and frankly I feel stressed by the whole thing. I feel like I have to filter my thoughts or I’m going to find myself sitting in a hospital somewhere.
Exhibit C: Seeing her triggers .
Exhibit D: I’m skilled at ignoring things and now that the afore mentioned decision has been made I believe I’m fully capable of proceeding with life and ignoring all the fall out and damage.
AND THOSE ARE JUST THE ISSUES RELATING TO THING 1. THING 2 BRINGS ADDITIONAL ISSUES.
Exhibit E: I won’t be able to afford him when my insurances ends so why get attached. Sure I don’t know when that will happen but better safe than attached.
Exhibit F: I can’t do hypnosis or EMDR so I’m a bad client and a waste of time.
Exhibit G: I spend half of ever session wondering why I’m there.
Some of my points are valid. I wish they weren’t so I wouldn’t have to struggle with this. Because, the fact is I will miss Thing 1 and Thing 2 if/when I quit.
But is this the week to quit? Probably not. But the reasons why it’s not are practically the same reasons why I wonder if I should.
Exhibit A: yes the decision is made(ish) and in the process we uncovered a whole mess of issues and pains and patterns that aren’t healthy.
Exhibit B: I’m having these thoughts in the first place…. That’s the issue.
Exhibit C: the triggers exist for a reason
Exhibit D: my ignoring skills, aka dissociation, not so healthy.
Exhibit E: if the chance to see him is limited don’t waste it and quit using money as an excuse to not get attached.
Exhibit F: example of my thinking patterns…. Clearly I’m unworthy of therapy, his time, his concern, and attachment
Exhibit G: Sigh. AKA I spend half the time looking for reasons to not attach.
THOUGH I do truly fear letting myself attach and then losing both Thing 1 and Thing 2.